


Don't Bother Asking The Moon

by aegicheezu



Series: The Mighty Boosh - vampire AU [1]
Category: The Mighty Boosh
Genre: Fluff, M/M, some angst but not much I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 10:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11553408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aegicheezu/pseuds/aegicheezu
Summary: Howard's a vampire, and Vince thinks about his own mortality.





	1. Chapter 1

“Have fun on your Shaman’s Team-Building Weekend!” Vince called from the opened front door. “Bring us back something wicked, yeah?”

Bollo and Naboo grunted tiredly in unison, waving limply. These weekends were always rubbish. Once they had set off, Vince absent-mindedly gazed up at the late afternoon sky, smiled, and retreated into the flat. 

“They’re gone, Howard,” Vince reported as he walked up the stairs. “S’a beautiful day, too.”

“Is it now?” Howard grumbled from where he sat on the couch, nose buried in the latest edition of Jazz Weekly. “I wouldn’t know.” The thick curtains were drawn tightly shut as usual, only to be parted when the moon was high. It had been like this for years, ever since one of Naboo’s spells went wrong and Howard fell victim to an over-zealous vampire from the 1700s – but that’s another story for another time.

“Aww Howard don’t be like that,” Vince sing-songed. “Have you eaten?” He looked quizzically at the other man. 

“Not yet, no.” Howard replied, muttering. “I was going to wait til you went to bed.” 

“You don’t have to hide it, you know,” Vince offered sweetly. “It doesn’t look as bad as you think. Pop the blood in a wine glass and you look kinda fancy.”

“It’s not funny, Little Man,” Howard corrected. “I’d just rather not eat in front of anyone, that’s all.”

“Alright, alright,” Vince gave up. “Got some girls comin’ round later, two of ‘em, to of us, what’ya say?”

“You didn’t tell them I was a vampire, did you?” Howard asked, sarcastically. 

Vince looked apologetic. “…not this time,” Vince replied sheepishly. He’d thought it wouldn’t half be a wicked pickup line, especially for goth girls – but it wasn’t as effective as he’d hoped. 

“Good.” Howard’s tone was final. He went back to perusing his magazine. 

“I don’t know why you’re spending so much time sulking about like this,” Vince started again, “Being a vampire must be wicked. Flying about, hypnosis, immortality, come on ‘oward. What’s a bag of blood daily in exchange for all of that?”

“Would you knock it off with all of that?” Howard snapped. “What do you know? Have you any idea what it’s actually like?” He sprang up from where he sat and found himself standing inches from Vince. Super-speed was something he did enjoy, but wouldn’t admit it out loud. “Have you any idea what this has done to my body? How sore and cold I am all the time? I can’t eat my favourite foods, can’t go to the seaside during the day…”

“You hate the beach, Howard---”

“That’s not the bloody point though, is it?” Howard shot back. “I’m lonelier than I’ve ever felt before,” he added softly. “You lot have been great, to keep me here and keep the flat dark and everything, but I just feel so… alone.” He sat down on the couch again, slumped, as though the weight of that loneliness suddenly magnified and held him down.   
“Oh Howard, I’m sorry,” Vince replied, sitting next to him and placing a comforting hand on the other’s crossed leg. “I know it’s bollocks not being able to do the things you used to. I wasn’t thinking.” He sighed. It must really be rough, he thought. I shouldn’t be so flippant about it. 

“It’s alright, Little Man.” Howard managed a smile. “I’ve just been feeling out of sorts.”

“I know.”

“Let’s have a drink, yeah?” 

“Howard, it’s barely gone 3pm.” 

“Since when has that stopped us before?”

“True.” I’m glad he can still drink alcohol, Vince thought. I’d hate to have lost my drinking buddy. He rose from the couch and returned shortly after with cold beers in hand. After they’d both had two, Vince decided to broach the subject a second time. 

“So Howard,” he started, noticing the other’s pale skin had gone an almost-human shade of pink from drinking, “about those girls…”

“Oh, go on then,” Howard replied, “let’s give it a try.” He stifled a burp. “Can’t be as bad as the last time.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“They literally ran out of here screaming, Vince. Girls don’t actually want to date a vampire. They expect the sparkly ones from teenage novels, not me.”

“Well I didn’t tell them this time,” Vince retorted. “Just play it cool, yeah? They were at our show the other day, I think we’re well in.”

“Alright, alright.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the date doesn't go to plan (obviously)!

The door slammed shut.

“…that went well.” Howard shot Vince a tired look. Of course the evening didn’t go well, he thought. 

“I told you to have your dinner before they showed up,” Vince chastised. “You and your fangs just ruined the date didn’t they!” Vince sat dejectedly, bouncing his crossed leg in frustration. 

“Woah now,” Howard huffed, “don’t you go blaming this on me, sir,” Howard sat down across from Vince. “If you hadn’t insisted on playing truth or dare, that brunette wouldn’t have dared me to kiss her cheek and they wouldn’t have come out, would they?!”

Vince couldn’t resist a jab. “Ah! So you admit you wouldn’t have gotten to kiss her without my game, eh Howard?” 

Howard half-heartedly tossed a pillow at Vince’s face. “Oh, shut up.” 

“Have your blasted dinner, Howard. You’re so irritable it’s getting on my nerves.”

“Alright, alright.” He agreed, and marched to the kitchen. Bollo and Vince had knocked up a chest-freezer in the corner for Howard’s blood bags that, thanks to Naboo, never ran out. It was the least he could do, really, since the whole thing was his fault. Howard would never have to actually kill. He opened the cool box and stared inside. Filled almost to the brim, the bags glistened, full and crimson. Howard sighed. What a world we live in, eh? What a strange place…

He prepared a large mug and took it back into the front room, where Vince was now flipping channels and huffing. 

“What’s the matter, Vincey?” Howard asked. “Can’t find anything decent to watch?” He took a sip, and blinked hard as the blood coated his tongue and seemed to instantly calm his whole body. I always forget how fast this damn stuff works, he thought. 

“Nothing’s on but chat shows and old films,” he replied, looking up at Howard. “You couldn’t have made me a cuppa while you were up?” he joked. 

“You could have some of mine,” Howard shot back, “but I don’t think you’d like it.” He smiled dryly, showing his sharp fangs. 

“Wicked,” Vince whispered, staring. “They make you look so cool, Howard.” 

“Really?” He asked, surprised. “Well that’s something, then.” He smiled, earnestly this time. 

Howard trundled back into the kitchen and made Vince a cup of tea, bringing a few Tim Tams with him. Vince liked those, and he’d been rotten to him all day. 

They watched an old episode of Big Fat Quiz in relative silence, occasionally trading jokes about Jimmy Carr’s marionette face and staccato laugh. “What a knob,” Vince laughed. 

 

They both sipped at their drinks.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard and Vince talk about their mortality and the nature of their relationship. Also, the Moon's name is Jim.

Vince couldn’t sleep. “Howard.” No answer. “Howard.” Still nothing. “Howard. Howard. Howard. Howard…”

“Oh my god WHAT Vince?”

“Knew you were up.”

“What is it?”

“Can’t sleep.”

“And what should I do about that?”

“Tell me a story.”

“You’re the storyteller, not me, Little Man.” 

“Yeah but I’m the one that can’t sleep,” he replied, “and anyway, you can catch up on sleep during the day. I’ve gotta run the shop while Naboo and Bollo are still gone, haven’t I.”  
“Alright, alright.” Howard sighed deeply. “It’s not like I’ve got great stories though, I’m not one of those old vampires from hundreds of years ago. Gimme a few dozen decades and I’m sure I’ll have some cool stories.”

A pause.

“I haven’t got that long, have I.” Vince almost whispered, as if a light finally went on in his head. “I’m not going to live forever.”

“Ah,” Howard replied. “I suppose… I suppose that’s true.” The realization struck him just then, too. An eternity awaited him – how was he going to cope? It was hard enough making friends as it was, what would he do with himself when Vince was gone?

“I don’t want to think about that right now, Howard,” Vince decided. “Besides, I’m still young. I’m not gonna die tomorrow, am I.” He sighed. This was a much heavier 2am conversation than he’d anticipated. “I’m sorry to have brought it up,” he said at last. 

“Hey now, Little Man. It’s gonna be alright. We’ve loads of time. Don’t think about it too much.” Howard felt more like he was reassuring himself rather than the other man lying across the room. Would it really be alright? Before all of this happened, the pair had always just sort of assumed they’d be together forever. Girls came and went, but in the end, it was always Howard Moon and Vince Noir; but, things would almost certainly change once Vince began to age and Howard stayed the exact same – think of the tantrums Vince will throw! He thought, almost smiling at the idea. It’s almost too cruel, Howard thought, that Vince would be the one to age and wrinkle and maybe even lose his perfect hair.   
“Howard?” Vince asked in the darkness after a while. 

“Hmm?” Howard replied, staring intently at the ceiling. One thing about his new abilities was the power to see in the dark perfectly clearly; he didn’t want to glance in Vince’s direction; otherwise, he was afraid he might cry. 

“Howard…” Vince began again, “if things got really bad, if…” he paused. “…if I needed it, would you,” he paused again, trying desperately to get his thoughts out properly. “If I asked you to, if there was nothing left, would you make me a vampire too?”

Howard knew that question would come sooner or later; but he wasn’t sure how he should answer. He cleared his throat. “Vince…” he had no idea what his answer should be. Would Vince even remember this conversation in the morning? 

“Howard, I’m serious. I’m not just thinking of the cool abilities and eternal life and all that bollocks,” he kept on, not waiting for Howard to answer him. “I just don’t want you to go on without me.”

“What do you mean?” Howard asked. He shot a quick glance at Vince, who had by now gotten up out of bed and sat on the very edge of Howard’s. Howard sat up. 

“Just think about it, Howard,” Vince leaned in slightly. “What are you gonna do when I’m gone? And Naboo? What about Bollo? Who’re you gonna hang out with then?”

“Who’s gonna make fun of my brown suit jackets and vinyl collection, more like.” He managed a laugh. Even Vince cracked a smile, though he looked a little hurt. “I didn’t mean that, Vincey. I know you only make fun of my style because deep down, you love it.” He softly nudged Vince’s arm. 

“Well I do, alright?” Vince shot back, angrier than he’d meant to sound. 

“You what, Little Man?”

“Love you, you berk.” He replied, pouting. 

“I know you do, don’t get cross with me,” Howard chuckled. 

“I’m being serious…” Vince said softly. 

Howard paused, trying to understand. “You what?”

“Christ, Howard, you’re thick. I’m telling you I love you!”

“Woah there, Vince…” Howard slid out from under the duvet and sat next to Vince upright on the bed. “What’s gotten into you this evening?”

“Ever since the accident (that’s what they all agreed to call it), I’ve been thinking about our friendship.” Vince sounded as though he was about to go off on a rehearsed speech, nervous but purposeful. Howard decided to let him talk. “Thinking back to when we were kids and you would protect me from bullies who called me a poof for wearing silver shoes, and working at the zoo, and travelling in the bloody arctic together, and nearly getting bummed by those yeti that time, and the killeroo, and the eel man, and just… all of it, Howard, I want to keep doing crazy shit with you forever and ever, and it’s not just because you’re my best mate. I really do love you, and god knows why, because you’re so thick sometimes it makes me want to pull my hair out!” 

He exhaled at last, having said his piece. Pausing just a beat, he continued, “and if I’ve just ruined everything, just tell me and I’ll leave right now, I’ll crash at Leroy’s. I’ll get out of your way.”

Howard sat there, in the dark next to Vince. He could see clearly that Vince was serious, he could hear his heartbeat, ringing in his ears. Vince must have been glad for the cover of darkness, for his face betrayed every emotion he must have felt. But Howard could see it all. In that moment, the two of them sitting in the dark, one of them completely unaware that the other could see them, Howard felt a bursting of love. Maybe it had always been there – maybe it just struck him now, at last. Whatever it was, it made Howard feel warm inside for the first time in years. Would it really be so bad, if he and Vince lived forever, together?

“Oh, Vince,” he drew the other man closer, cursing the fact that his body was cold. “Don’t go.”

“I’ve just messed everything up, haven’t I…”

“No, no…” he tried to reassure Vince. “Shhh,” he cooed. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“But you don’t love me like I love you, do you…” Vince sounded a soft breeze away from bursting into tears if Howard said the wrong thing. He took a deep breath. 

“I do, Vince. Believe me, I really do. I probably always have.” He knew it then, more clearly than he ever let himself feel it before. He suddenly remembered a thousand things at once, his brain racing at 10 times its normal speed. Flashes of himself at 10, crumpling up a valentine he had made for Vince but never gave him; at 15, punching a boy in the year ahead for calling Vince his girlfriend; at 25, walking arm in arm with Vince as they left their successful job interview at the Zooniverse; and five years ago, drifting feverishly in and out of consciousness in Vince’s arms as The Change overtook his body. That last one wasn’t pleasant at all, and he shook his head as if to shake the memory clean out of his head. He hugged Vince tight. 

“You mean that, Howard?” Vince asked, after a few moments. 

“I do, Vince. I really do.” 

Vince hesitantly leaned in a little more. He knew Howard had a no-touching rule, but had that changed since everything had happened? Howard didn’t back away. He decided to go for it. 

Howard’s lips were a lot softer than they looked, even though they were slightly colder than he’d imagined. Despite everything, Vince thought, even if in the end he can’t Change me, this will be enough...

When at last they broke apart, Vince asked, “so you’re not funny about being touched anymore?”

“Funnily enough,” Howard answered, “my aversion seems to have disappeared since the Change. I’m not afraid of heights any more either.”

“Can we go up onto the roof for a bit, then?”

“Yeah, why not.”

The pair climbed up the attic stairs to the roof and stared out at the cloudless night sky. 

“Look at the full moon,” Vince said. “It’s so pretty, isn’t it?”

Howard chuckled. “You say that, but actually he’s a real knob.”

“What?”

“Vampire powers. Supernatural beings can communicate with the moon and stuff. Freaked me out the first time he tried to talk to me about what cheeses he’d like to be made of.”

Vince laughed. “That’s insane,” he smiled. “Call him, Howard, I wanna talk to ‘im!”

“I dunno if it’ll work,” he said, shrugging. 

“Aw, go on. I’m a gifted guy, animals love me!” Vince grinned. “Maybe the moon will, too!”

“Alright, alright,” Howard cleared his throat. “Oy, Jim! Jim!” Howard called up. 

Suddenly, the moon spun around, revealing a face. Vince nearly fell over in surprise – “Christ! Look at the mug on that!” – Howard steadied him so that he regained his balance. 

“Hi, Howard,” the moon spoke in a low voice, “who’s your lady friend?”

“This is Vince,” Howard said, gently pushing Vince in front of him. “He wanted to say hi.”

“Oh. Hiya,” the moon said, grinning like a Cheshire cat without the maliciousness. “I’m the moon.”

“I can see that!” Vince replied, still dumbfounded. Though, nothing should have surprised him; not any more. 

“I’m the moon,” it said again, “When you’re the moon---”

“Yeah actually Jim, we’ve gotta go,” Howard said hurriedly, grabbing Vince’s arm. Giggling, they scrambled back down the stairs. 

“Well that’s just bloody rude,” the moon said in a sing-song voice. “I’m the moon…” and he spun back round. 

Back in their room, things settled back down. The two sat on Howard’s bed. 

“So…” Vince attempted conversation. 

“So.” Howard repeated. 

“So…” Vince tried again. “You’re sure I haven’t ballsed this up, hey Howard?”

“Of course not, Little Man.” Howard smiled, showing off his fangs. 

“They really do look cool,” Vince said, staring. “They really bring out your face.” He couldn’t help the smile that crept across his face. “I wonder if I’d look good with fangs…”

“Don’t start that up again, Little Man,” Howard cautioned, “it’s complicated.”

“Does it have to be, though?” Vince asked, earnestly. “It’s always been you and me, since we were kids. Even if we didn’t feel about each other the way we do,” he took Howard’s hand, “wouldn’t it be better to stay together forever, as mates?” His big blue eyes started into Howard’s. Please, they seemed to say, don’t you see? This is what’s supposed to happen to us, after everything we’ve been through…

“Oh, Vince,” Howard kissed Vince’s hand in his, “you know I can’t say no to you…” he sighed. Are we really doing this? Maybe it really could just be this simple; you and me together, forever. Whatever comes. Nothing to stop us. Why not? Why not win, for once in your life, Moon? “Alright. I’ll do it. But whatever happens, you’ve got to promise me, this is what you want and you won’t be angry with me in the end.”

“Of course! This is what I want, Howard. I can’t imagine a life without you. I don’t want to live every day from now on, wondering if I’m going to die. Growing old, knowing I’m leaving you with every day that passes. I can’t do that.”

Howard was almost moved to tears by Vince’s words. Maybe the Change had been harder on Vince after all. 

“Alright, alright, Little Man. Don’t worry. I won’t let you grow old and lose your hair, and be afraid.” He gently pushed Vince’s black fringe from his face. “Just tell me when you’re ready, and I’ll do it.”

“Right now.”

Howard was taken aback. “Right now?!” He felt the concern rising in his throat. “Vince, surely you’d want to at least sleep on it.”

“I’ve been thinking about asking you since the day after you woke up again. I saw the whole thing; took care of you. While you were in and out of consciousness, head lolling about on my lap, all I could think of was how helpless you seemed, and how much I didn’t want to lose you. And I thought about never wanting to leave your side, ever again.” Vince replied, staring at Howard through wet eyes. 

“I’m sorry it’s been so hard on you,” Howard apologized, “I’ve been such a prick to you, as well. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.” 

“Make it up to me,” Vince smiled. 

“…like this?” Howard leaned into the other man, and kissed gently at his neck. 

“…yeah, like that…” Vince breathed. He could feel the sharp fangs press softly against his skin. 

“Don’t you want one more night as a human?” Howard asked between kissed pressed along Vince’s cheek and neck. 

“To do what? It’s nearly half four in the morning,” Vince laughed. 

“Shit,” Howard hissed, “Gotta close the curtains.” He rose abruptly, concealing the bulge in his trousers as expertly as he could, though Vince caught a glimpse. He shut the bedroom curtains with a flourish. “That’s the kind of thing you’ve gotta think about, Vince,” he’d affected his Jazz Lecturer voice suddenly. “And you’re rather forgetful, aren’t you? Always leaving your bits around the flat and then going off on Naboo and me?”

“Come on ‘oward, that ain’t fair!” Vince pretended to pout. “And we were finally getting somewhere…”

“I’ll make you a deal, Little Man,” Howard continued, “Give me a week to teach you everything that Naboo had to teach me. One week, and I’ll Change you. Deal?”

Vince thought about it. “Alright,” he said finally. “Can we get back to snogging now please?” He pulled Howard down onto the bed, smiling devilishly.


End file.
